Indie Book Project Notes

A Solllooisswqqqally

Just a cool song I'd throw in here.


After reading D's post  I decided to take a darker approach to Hamlet's encounter with the ghost (Act 1 scene 2) . I feel that Hamlet would not hold it together as well as some would think at this point in the pay. I know if I were Hamlet (my mother was sleeping with my uncle) things would be a lot different. So far we know that hamlet is upset with his mother and uncle, but he hasn't really done anything about it. All he's done is companied, and I feel that this is truly his biggest flaw as a character. He is inactive! If he really wants any change to happen, he has to do it himself. So I decided to give Hamlet some motivation on the issue... you know, plant the seeds of activity.




HAMLET (in avery upset and hysterical mannor) 

Mine father hast gone et my mother leave.
Now I am solitary and unhappy.
Left to mine own devices death-ready.
But nay, I shall set this right; justify!
Correct the cancerous synod; destroy!
Expose the church! Uproot this lechery!  
Start with the rabbit then finish the frog.
You hear this Ghost? You will sanctify me!
Bless me and fill me with your holy fire.
I will give you rest kind and fair father!

Oh if I Should Die Tonight (A poem (sorta)... kinda)

I wait outside the bank, counting the cash in my right hand
I fumble the packet in my left pocket, damn I need a smoke 
"Come on man, you've been planning this for a long time"
I withdraw a cigarette... finally
One foot in front of the other. They don't suspect a thing.
I light the cigarette and inhale its toxic release. I let go.
Yeah thats it, I'll follow this woman in. She looks like she doesn't want any trouble.
I reach into my belt line and whisper into her ear

"Listen baby don't make a move."
I press the barrel into her back. She twitches. I grab her arm. 
"Ah-ah. Strike one. You know the rules of baseball right?" She nods
I don't want to have to kill this girl
"I won't think twice baby. Co-op-er-ate."
The cigarette is  brushing up against her hair. I hope she doesn't mind the smell.
"Ready baby?" I press into her. We go through the doors of the bank.

The tellers got some great knockers
"Hey baby, how are you today?"
She looks at me with knives for eyes. Oops 
"My friend here wants to tell you something. Go on, you know what to do love."
She lets out a scream. Shit. Everyone is looking in my direction. She wont stop crying...
"Shut up! My wife's just a little uneasy thats all, says I've been a little violent lately."
If this gets messy: Guard, Teller, and my soon to be ex-wife.
A man comes over and touches my back. He's got a badge and I'm about out of time here.
She won't stop trembling. Need to keep her under my thumb...
"Strike two baby"
I cock back the hammer

"Oh sorry sir she didn't mean anything by it I swear it."
Shit shit shit
"Oh no you see she says she wants to run away from me, I'm too imposing"
How many bullets do I have?
"What the hell are you doing!? No! I won't take my hand off of her. I love her"
I think its eight, no nine. I've got one in the chamber. 
"Screw you man. Have you ever been married? It's hell on earth!"

H E' S  G O T  A  G U N

Shit.
"Strike three baby. You're O-U-T."
I swing the bride around and put two through the small of her back and into the guard's chest

! !

This got messy, time to go.
I spit out my cigarette and crush it underfoot... Must leave
One foot in front of the other. I get to the door.

I T   W O N' T   B U D G E

The teller... What's that cold feeling on the nape of my neck?
"I forgot about you.. Any chance for an appeal?"

"That pig was my uncle. Not a chance."

No way I'm going to die in jail

"Wait a second man, you're in control just be chill.."

I maneuver my pistol under my crotch, pointing backwards at this ass

"Where do you keep the dough anyway babe?"

"In the safe"

The pistol drops between my legs; sweaty palms! 

"I'm not making it out of this one am I?" 

Not a chance.

"No way in hell"

I move the bead... red is showing

!

FADE TO BLACK 

Fishman (or manfish?)

Here is Fishman, a project that I have been working on for a little while (as in I got bored and decided to play with photoshop). It's not really good, technically-wise, but I just think it is interesting to look at. If someone gets what I am trying to say with this image, I'll give you all the money in my piggy bank, college fund, and saving account.

Lately (We Row)

Lately my thoughts have been paint in a bucket, yearning to be thrown at a blank canvas. I dip my brush in and flick my wrist in directions that few could even pretend to understand. I'll hang it up on a wall and some will decide that is wasn't an infants temper tantrum paintbrush-in-hand. Hopefully this art style that is extremely lucrative. Ha! (How the hell am I going to pay for college?)

However, when I step back to take in my masterpiece the same image always find a way to enter the painting/splatter. I do my best not to ignore it but push it aside... kinda like how we all hit ignore whenever an update is needed on our computer. Sure, we will have to address whatever the update at some point in time but we are all so busy right now. So much work... just need a break... 

But this update won't go away. The selection for "remind me later" isn't a familiar shade of blue. There is no option to ignore, no chance to distance myself from the issue. I mean, its not a bad thing to take this approach to life: its selfless and will help a lot of people. Its a pure  lifestyle and many will put their faith in you. But at what cost?

A family.

How can you put a price on that? How can you trade in crisp summer weekends doing (insert activity here), children in toe, wife in hand, and lunch on back? How can I trade what every man wants? I mean, it would be so hard to do this now. Especially with how the world is not and the image that plan has around it. It would be a hard life and I would give way more than I could ever receive. Its worth it though, right? 

The more I think and pray about it, the louder the calling becomes. I'm really stuck... stagnate to the point of crystallization.

       Wait... thats not how that works. Is it? 

Pro of Plan A

Family 

Offspring(s) 

Love <3

Happiness

Freedom

Cons of Plan A

Hmmm.... we'll have to see

Pros of Plan B

Helping a lot of people

Leading a community 

A very pious life

Pureness unmatched

Love <3 (of a different kind)

Cons of Plan B

Hmm... we'll have to see 

I Found a Note

As I walked through the door, I found a note read something like this:

Gone out to eat. Be back later. Please find Proj Screen. Need dearly.

Love Mom

Great. My Mom asked me to look through the contents of our overcrowded cellar to find a projector screen that is the following things:

1. Older than I am 

2. Probably left in a house far away (before my lifetime)

    2.1 If it is in the house, it is more than likely covered in mouse poo and dust bunnies

3. Yellow

So I looked. Searched. Riffled through. Overturned. But alas, no projector screen. However, in my final moments of rooting around I found something of much larger importance. There was a box on top of a large plastic container. It was in a safe place, far away from leaks and other varmints. So, being the mischievous monkey that I am I opened the box. 

Radiology Report: Chemo....

It went on to describe the procedures done, medications, and effects of what had happened. It was dated June 1988. My brother was born in 1980. He was 8 years old when this report happened. 

Suddenly I realized what I found. My brother's battle with cancer was long and hard fought. These were the manuscripts of every visit. Every second was written down and recorded for some unknown reason. These were the experiences my brother had. It was all right in front of me, the mass of paper was at least as thick as an old Webster dictionary. 

I began to read. The more I read the more I began to realize what living hell cancer is. The whole experience was bizarre. Have you ever tried to meet someone through medical records? I didn't want to read the records, but I wanted to know more about my brother. Who is this child? How are we alike? I kept looking for more information. I needed to know. I lusted for information. With a slight shift of the wrist, a tape was exposed. Should I go deeper into a life that I have never known?

It was a conversation between the doctor, my mother, and her (future ex)husband. The doctor opened with the typical hello and greeted them. Then he told them about the results of the test. My brother's cancer had come out of remission. It was back. The tape was dated 1988. They talked about chemo and what the future held, but it was really heavy stuff and I just wanted to hear my brother's voice. I fast forwarded to a random spot and pressed play. 

My mother voice sounded familiar, but a lot more youthful. Her inflection was positive, but I knew she was hurting on the inside. She was talking with a doctor about the chance of a bone marrow transplant, and thats when I heard a voice that I can't stop thinking about. It was a voice of an angel; a living saint that never caused hurt to anyone or anything. I've never heard a voice so pure and sinless. He was asking to see the unit where the procedure would be done. 

I couldn't take it. I turned the tape off and put it back in its sheath. I put it back underneath the papers and put everything back the way I found it. I had to walk away; this was too much for one night. You see, my brother and I have a lot in common. I never had cancer or spent years in a hospital, but I did spend days in the ICU, in the same hospital my brother stayed in. I went to the same children's center my brother received treatment in. I even had the same nurse as my brother. We have a lot in common, and I know I will think about him as my head hits the pillow tonight. 

"A child living with this disease is always sent straight to heaven" my mom always says, "they've already had enough pain in their life." My mom was right, my brother is an angel.The hardest part about tonight was knowing the outcome of all of this. I looked at dated letters and tapes and knew how long he had left on this earth. He was only nine years old when he passed away. 

Life is such a precious thing. My brother and I never met, but he has effected me in ways larger than anyone could ever imagine. He's been my driving force; my motivation to go farther and to do new things. He's always been there, watching over me and protecting me. I have a lot to thank him for and a lot of life left to live.

As we meander through the woods

We often forget how fortunate we are to walk

Our feet trod on earth untouched-

Unknown by so many yet loved unconditionally

Make haste! Venture into the great unknown

fore your clock is ticking 

Have you seen the angel's feet?

Have you heard the angel's voice?

Have you felt the angel's wings?

Now is your chance. 

Oh, and I didn't end up finding the projector screen. 

AP Lit Rear View (Pun)

After reading M's blog post  I had a sudden inspiration for the art style of my AP lit review! I really liked how she used black and white to create images that popped off the screen.

I think I included most of the explanation in the graphic, so wait no more! Here it is!

College Update

Some time has gone by, and I am a lot less pessimistic about the future of my schooling. I mean, I'm not equating college with death anymore, so thats an upside. Its becoming something a lot more tangible and closer to home (NOT A UMF REFERENCE). I've been accepted to a couple of places so far and some have even given me some pretty fat scholarships. Getting the scholarship money was/is something to be pretty proud of, and I guess I am. I see a lot of my peer look at college as a sort of game; something to be won or lost. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you! You've worked very hard throughout school and you are being rewarded for you hard work by getting into a very prestigious school. That is something to be proud of!

But no matter how many awesome schools you get into, for the love of God don't rub it in my face. I get it, you got into the school of your dreams and you've got everything figured out. You've got your classes all set up and you're about to make the most important decision of you teenage life; who will your roommate be? Gah!

You are so far ahead of me it isn't even funny. I don't have a clue where I want to go and I'm starting to worry (just a little bit). I understand that most seniors don't know what they are going to do. I get it. I'm just like everyone else? Oh oh, no I didn't mean for it to sound like that. It's just that you are seriously stressing me the $%#& out! Why can't I just know!?!?!


Actually, that would make this whole process pointless. Oh well, might as well enjoy the (not even close to full) ride!

PS. College is now associated with stress. Things are looking up.

Cold as #@$@

Its been cold lately, and I have something to say about it.


Sometimes, we need a little negative degree in our life.
We get to far away from our homes: where we live,
All we wish to do is escape, leave behind this place
and go to somewhere warmer; less humid... more hospitable

Take a second, wait and look around.
How can you hate this frozen hell?
Without this negative, there is no positive!
How can we appreciate the warm summers day
if all we know is warm and sunny?
How can we enjoy the gentle heat of a fireplace
if all we know is the artificial relief of an air conditioner?

You see, the negative is there for a reason
and without it showing up from time to time
the positive is less and less important.
Embrace this cold!
Take it in!
Boil some water and chuck outside!
Seriously it is pretty cool and makes all the kids laugh.
Science