Sun in an Empty Room

Ahh, a good weekend. I didn't make it up t the land of milk and honey, but I found a nice little patch in the sun by the sea. It was a good night, and I had more fun than I thought I was going to. It's always nice meeting up with new people and shooting the breeze, learning about who they are, and just having a good conversation. All in all, it was good and I'm glad I had a chance to go.

In other news, I was jumping around on Spotify and I found another pretty kick ass song by The Weakerthans, a Winnipeg (cool city with wicked cool people-I've met one!)  based band that has strayed from their days of punk rock and found a niche in mellow indie rock (the dad of all rock). Pretty chill stuff if you're into Spoon or Pedro the Lion.

The song, Sun in an Empty Room is a perfect example of how great a vibe this band can cast. It's a nice bluesy tune that facilitates a lip-pursing head bob. Again, I've found anther sick song due to Discover Weekly (these people should totally pay me for all the props I'm giving them), and I'm excited to see what new music will come my way on Monday.

Anyway, I've been jumping around in my head a little bit lately. This is the last week of classes before spring break, and I can't wait to go home. I have missed it a little bit, but I am nowhere as homesick I was this first semester. Maybe it had to do with the whole shipping disaster incident and living on the ship definitely didn't help. It just felt like I was trapped on the rust bucket even though we were moored up. Fortunately, I got over that feeling and I'm looking forward to going out on cruise this summer.

It will suck being away, but I think of what I would be doing if I were at a state school with all that time off. I'd probably find a couple more jobs and plug away for forty hours a week to scrape by and have loads of summer fun in Farmtown, but I think this is my chance to really get out in the world and see some really cool stuff. It's what I want to do, and this is my first chance to do it. I can't wait to set sail, but I have a lot of stuff to learn before May 5th.

It will be a good experience, and I am ready for it. I'm turning twenty this year, and I have a chance to do something very few twenty year olds get to do. I'm so lucky to have the support of my friends and family in this. I wouldn't be here without their influence in my life, and I just hope to do right by them and give everything I have to be the best I can.

Not to sound too preachy, but life is something worth experiencing to the highest degree. Things can change so quickly, and to have the world dropped on its head right next to you is humbling to say the least. The sooner we realize and appreciate life for what it is worth, the better our shared experiences will be. I know I've been blessed to be where I am; thank you for everything.

Here's to a quick week, good friends, and another shitty Monday.

Life is Strange (pt1)

I started to play Life is Strange this weekend, and I must say that it's really made me think about how freakin' weird life can be. The game deals a lot with happiness, decisions, and the relationships we build with those around us. It also has a superb soundtrack that really speaks to the core game design; every decision you make can be undone, because the main character can control time.

Imagine having a conversation with someone, and then having the ability to rewind it and change a few words that forks into an entirely different conversation in itself. This power has great weight in the game, and it is an extremely interesting dynamic; dose the player chose to accuse a security guard of harassment or point the finger at a fellow classmate that is slinging drugs on the side? The decision doesn't really matter at the present moment, because regardless of how you chose to play it, your decision can be undone and the other option can be explored.

During my time playing the game, I've wondered how this dynamic could apply to my life. Has every decision I've made been the right one? Of course, the answer is no. If I could rewind time and speak out in times where I wanted noting more than to not be noticed, or stay quiet when I should have, I feel like I could really avoid having to pull my foot out of my yap.

But does having a rewind button take away what it means to be human? As I wrote this, I realized that undoing all the mistake or wrongs you have committed would change your perception of life; you would never truly learn from your mistakes in a permanent and meaningful way. I would constantly be undoing the smallest mistakes and always come out on the bright side of situations. Winning all the time doesn't make a team better. Losing can tell you more about yourself than anything else ever could.

If I could change anything in my life, I wouldn't. However, if I could go back to the beginning and do it all over again, would I play it out the same? I think the answer to that could only be realized if I were to literally start life in the cradle again; I honestly don't know. I don't know if I would decide to go to a pseudo-military school where I often daydream about hiking the AT and/or riding a motorcycle across Canada, exploring life though experiences and not buried in a textbook doing physics until my fingers bleed.

The choices I have made are mine, and I own up to them. I took control of my life and am doing what I am doing because I think this is what I want to do, but (as I have said before) I would be lying to say that I've never wanted to cash in all this hard work and explore other options. Maybe I would find a meaning to life larger than a dollar, but at this point I am doing the 'most very clean cut, well educated, and typical' thing a nineteen year old can do; working my ass off in school and giving (hopefully) setting myself up for a great future.

Life is strange, and the decisions we make constantly alter the roads we travel down. Having the ability to go back between each decision won't make us better people, but just give us too much control in our lives, and will often cause more problems than we anticipated. The best course through life is the one that we are on, and it can only get better if we make educated decisions and live with as few regrets as possible. i only ope to take my own advice, and to continue on the path that I am on. It's not a lot of fun right now, but who is to say that I can't do the AT or ride my newly purchased Triumph T-100 (or do i really need such a nice bike?)  in matte black from Antigonish to Prince Rupert (or the other way around?) when I am twenty-four/five/six-ish. Only time will tell.

In closing, I would like to share one of my favorite songs that has popped up in the game. I'm only in the second episode (of five), so I hope to find more as I go. Anyway, the link is below and I really suggest you give it a listen as you ask yourself if every decision you have made has been a good one, and if you change any of the thing you have done if given the power to.

Here's to another shitty Monday, and hopefully a good weekend.

What will it be?

Salt spray to the face
sodium taste too sweet
as I stand on the bow

Watching.

What lies ahead?
What am I to do?
What does freedom fee like?

What will it be?

A sail set out into the blue
asking for direction
and hoping for a better wind
to blow us to shore.

Happenstance

Do you ever wonder what is on the other side of the moon?
Maybe a bunch of Martians are camping
out there, roasting a weenie
or picking at the latest fashion trends

Do you ever wonder why Buff Chick is so damn
tasty...
Yet it leaves that residue in your mouth
that makes milk taste funny-
its just a little bit off
and you can't put your finger on it

Speaking of that:
What's the deal with Jupiter
and how far away she is
with her bright smile and warm
demeanor. Yet you see the planet
briefly here and there
when you tune into the same channel.

Happenstance.

And my telescope is fogging up;
sea smoke and foreign seas dead ahead
yet it leaves you to wonder
what it means to be (or not) presently
understood

Credentials?
I'll sign anywhere to prove I believe in something!
I'll look anywhere to prove I see something!
Please, Listen to the radio
and hear the silhouettes as they run into the pictures

*High Five*
*Fist Bump*
*Hug*
*awkwardsmilesthatfeeljustright*

But does anyone really know or give a damn?
The philosopher would say: Why should they?
and I guess she is right.

She usually is,
or at least that is what I think(?)

To the Week of February the Seventh: You Suck

You ever have one of those, hmmm, how should I put it?

Shitty Days? (x7)

It was so remarkable, that I decided to mark it on the calendar.

Yeah... I had seven of those last week, but I managed to get through it with only one 66 and a severely damaged (but redeemable) GPA. Indeed, physics is a bear., a mutated bear with four mouths and love for all things involving the hunt and deducting points from the unattainable and wholesome twenty-four. On second thought physics sucks, and it is a disproportionately hard class (that many don't need and will not use upon graduation) that we poor suckers pay God-knows-how-much to ruin our fair academic standing. 

Phew, think I got it all there.

Anyway, this week has presented many challenges that I had to overcome, and I did it. It's a good feeling coming out on the other side of a shitty week, because one knows that something better may lie ahead. Unfortunately,this is not a guaranteed fact, but it's close enough to a reality that one clinging to the thoughts of something better will will do just about anything to keep it alive; I hear we will be having buff-chick on Monday at high noon. Yes, the thought of some tasty grub is the only thing that I have to look forward to on Monday. =)

It's not all bad though. I look forward to potentially going up to a neighboring college and spending next weekend with my great pals. The respite is much needed, and I often wonder what it would be like to go to a normal university. I realize that my school is by definition a institution of higher learning, but this is not your frat-boy cousin's school. This is a place that literally crushes you the first couple weeks here, molds you into a student that puts the learned work ethic to the test, and applies every bit of physical and mental stamina to ultimately graduate as a successful member of the workforce. 

Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

Yes, these traits will help me later in life and will make me stand out from the crowd. However, I can't say I've never said "what if?" and daydream of the typical college Friday/Saturday night of wassailing deep into the night. Would it make me happier, or would I major in house parties?Honestly, I don't know what would happen, because I would be going to the schools for all the wrong reasons. I came to this school because I think I know what I want to do with my life. Believe you me, the decision was not easy; like nearly every other high school senior, I was unsure of what I wanted from life.

Frankly, I still am, but I am prepared to find out what that means by experiencing a world that lies in uncertainty, storms, and a shitload of multiple choice tests. The whole thing sound sort of romantic (I got calc homework for Valentine's day); at my core, the allure of adventure and the chance to see the world was a opportunity I couldn't pass up, regardless of the initial cost of the typical college experience. I lose this notion sometimes, but it always seems to come back to me when I complete these shitty days. It will be worth it, and I will graduate from this place in four damn years, even if it makes me go bald.

This all kind of came together this Friday, when I was snooping around on Spotify. I love this music app more than any other, and I constantly have it up on my computer. This time, I decided to tune into the Discover Weekly playlist, a personalized list of thirty songs that I may or may not like. Usually, I like most if not all of the songs (you go Spotify robot with kick-ass music taste), and I came across Shit Present's Anxious Type. This song just spoke to me for some reason; maybe it was the title's accuracy in the description of my week (specifically the Monday that never ends) or the sweet punk quality that liberates even the most homework laden student with thoughts of motorcycle riding rebellion. For what it's worth, its a good song worth a listen. Maybe it will inspire you to take a breath and relax for a minute?

They rip. She's got a heck of a voice. Together, they make a fun in-you-face jam that blends perfectly in a musical harmony that compels one to feel happy in spite of the close-to-home lyrics; its says "lets dance even though we've still got a lot on our plate and time is running out." 

Here's to a good week, and everything (will be) is just fine. 

AF

Girls and Other Drugs

Some go to college and experience more gender diversity than they ever have before.

I go to a school with eighty-five percent dudes.

The dynamic here is far from ideal, but I am no heathen either. Its just a unique situation to be in. I haven't really been looking for a relationship for a while either. My last relationship was my longest and first real boyfriend/girlfriend experience. It was great and extremely juvenile; in retrospect, I was one of those puppy dogged seniors that treated smiley faced text like wedding bells. It wasn't healthy and I wasn't mature about it at all.

When it ended, I was crushed. Completely crushed. Flattened. Poof; dust. I was in a slump for pretty much what remained of senior year. I wouldn't talk to you and would walk quickly by whenever our paths crossed. Of course you repaid the favor and look through me just as easily as I listened to break up albums on Spotify. (I got into some really good music then, one of the many upsides of this whole fiasco)

Anyway, after a few months of sulking and a lot of time spent with friends I recovered. I still didn't really look at you though; the last time I was in school you walked into the guidance office. I acted like I didn't see you. I don't know why I did that but I'm over the whole thing now. That was months ago, and I am indifferent again.

Currently I am in a good position. I've really enjoyed talking to this girl that goes to a school forty-five minuets away. She is really an awesome personal and there are so many likable things about her. She is so easy to talk to; conversation doesn't feel like work at all. We've talked for months, and its been pretty great.

The only hitch: we've only really met in person once, for thirty minuets.

The build up to that thirty minuets was the first time I felt genuinely nervous about meeting a girl for the first time. It was weird for me; we (basically) met online through mutual friends and a less than reputable app. This still kind of bothers me, but I feel like we aren't the sixty percent of people that are looking for a relationship that last for more than a night.

Honestly I don't know what I am looking for, and that isn't such a bad thing. Its just nice to have someone to talk to. You see, the days here are not fun. Not in the slightest. They are work compounded by the lack of sleep and deadlines we constantly face. Nobody really enjoys this place, but we know where we want to end up. That's why we are here. Talking to you is enjoyable, and it makes my day so much better.

My trip up to D and A's college was long in the making, and by happenstance you were going to be around on Sunday. So after some rather poorly-crafted text messages and a lot of "You can do it buddy" pats on the back, I sent the message. You were busy for most of the day, but you say it was okay for me to swing by the academic center and say hi.

After I got the directions I made the walk to the building, about a quarter of a mile away. I followed the directions:

"Go to the front of the field house (facing the mall) go in.

Go left, right, left, and then it is a door on your right that 

says academic center which is up a set of stairs"

The cold-anxious feeling propelled me through the halls; was she anything like what I imagined her to be? As I opened the door to the academic center, I realized that the room was silent. No one was talking, everyone was deep in text or notebook.

What the hell am I doing here?

I immediately walked all the way down the right side of the room hoping to find something close to a  speaking section. Unfortunately, the laws of physics stayed true no such room was found. Instead I sat down on a really uncomfortable/conveniently hidden armchair.

Hey man, I have no idea where she is. I am in the academic building but no dice. 
I'm on my way

Phew, A was coming to the rescue, A few more minuets went by scrolling through Snapchat news (the most credible way to get your information) before A arrived and proceeded to point out my grossest oversight of the day.

Dude, she is right there! 
What? Where?
Look around the wall, literally right there.

Oh. Wow. He was right.

 In my haste I had walked right by her, but I didn't think she had noticed. I think she had music in or was intensely studying, but either way I was in the clear.

Thanks man, you're the best. (This is the summation of a few inaudible exchanges)

I walked over to her, pulled out the chair from the desk, and sat down to your right. You smiled, and the conversation and time flew by. We talked, and it was easy. You smiled and you were genuine; it was great to finally put a tangible face to the hundreds of digital exchanges. You laugh was hearty, your expression welcoming. You were every bit as awesome as you had let on.

After about thirty minutes I had to run, my ride back to school was coming soon and you had work to do. At the end of our conversation, you asked when I would be up again, and that made me smile, but I couldn't give you an exact date because of weekend watches and firefighting training. I hope I didn't come off as if I were trying to avoid you; I really do want to see you again and I will be up again soon. Since then, we have continued to talk back and forth and things have been good. I am excited to visit D and A again, and I look forward to the next time I can say hello.

 Maybe next time, we could get some coffee?

 Here's to college, awesome friends, and even the chance to see you again.

AF

P.S. She also likes Minus the Bear :O

Recap #1

College has presented a whole new set of challenges, exhilaration, and much needed experiences. I've had far from the typical experiences here; the months of crushing conformity really made me question why I was doing what I was doing. I've never been pushed so hard to fit into a mold and I really resented it. I realize that it is only temporary and that I need it to do what I want to do, but I still resent being apart of it nonetheless. I made it through those really long days and here I am; somewhat changed (and for the better).

During the month of confinement, I thought about life more than I ever had. I reflected on all the choices I made and why they influenced me the way they did. In my searching, I looked through some of my older blog posts and tried to understand where I was coming from. It is now clear to me that I made the mistake that so many do their senior year:

1. Don't look to others (specifically significant) for your sense of happiness
2. You won't stay in your hometown forever
3. All that stupid stuff you did and thought everyone would remember? Nobody remembers
4. You don't need dessert at the end of every day
5. Enjoy everything for what it is

I will say that I had a great senior year, and I've made friends that will stick with me throughout my entire life because I went where I did. In all honesty, they're are probably reading this right now (Thanks guys). I loved my school, but I'm glad I left when I did. The tides of change are constant, and the school that I idolized as a child has changed into something that I can barely recognize. Maybe it was just the shine wearing off. Maybe it was the influence of all things green and weighty. Either way, I'm out of there and glad to be.

The summer before college was a great one. I spent many days playing baseball, enjoying the sun, and working the docks for the last time. I loved the hot days and I miss the freedoms that I had. I will truly miss the smell of the inside of the Toyota during a mild morning, watching the beams of orange light refract into my eyes while I drive, and watching the sun go down on the lake every day. I will miss the times I dug into the box and the feeling of solid contact down the line. These are the things I loved about summer. These are the things I will not have again in my life.

Currently, I am sitting in my dorm and writing to decompress. As you can see, I've been out of the blogging scene for a while, and I feel like a piece of me is missing. This is one of the best forms of release for me, even if nobody reads what I write; the act of typing steadies not only my mind and hand, but allows me to put a thesis on the day. Without it I felt like I wasn't saying everything I needed to, kind of like keeping you mouth shut in an important conversation when you really feel like you have something worthwhile to say.

So, this is my worthwhile statement. I'm back, and I am glad to be.

Thanks for the read, and here's to more posts.

AF