I'm back, and a little bit more salty than when I left. Let me tell ya, I've grown a lot over this summer; something like eight major cities in three months can make you grow up pretty quickly. I've learned so much about what it means to be a traveler, and how life is different when you're on the go. This cruise was also a huge affirmation that I'm doing the right thing for myself. A year ago, I was a little unsure, but now I've never been more sure of anything in my life. This is what I want to do more than anything else right now.
Coming back to school after such a short break wasn't the easiest. The parent's sold the house and I'm happy for them, but that meant floating around for a little while before we had a chance to get into where we live now. I also went to Montreal with my bro to celebrate his bachelor party. (That's another post in itself.) The thirteen days I had were great at home, albeit not as restful as I would have really liked, but hey. I was home and that's what is important.
Working RPT and being apart of the Training Staff was pretty unique too. I do plan on talking more about this at some point, but there is really a lot to talk about when it comes to this. From the whole 'being put in a position of responsibility and therefore some power.' Lets just say some people responded differently than other with this situation, but I digress.
Classes have been going pretty well so far. I've being doing pretty well in the test/quizzes but I still need to bear down. I'm not feeling so great for one of my classes, but I'm getting the help that I need to do better. I do enjoy being a true deckie now; finally done with all that engineering stuff that i had to suffer through to get to this point. I will say that I did enjoy some of it on cruise, but thank God I'm done with it.
I'll write more soon, this was just a quick blurb to get back into it. I'll also post my cruise journal at some point, all fifty-some-odd pages of it. Yeah, I wrote a lot on cruise...
Monday, September 19, 2016
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Cruise!
The time has come.
Tomorrow is officially the first day of my cruise, and I've never been more ready to sail across the Atlantic in my life. This is the culmination of all my work this year, and I've wanted nothing more than to get to this point. Now that I'm here, the cliche feeling of "Jumping Jehoshaphat this is actually happnin'!" takes over, and I smile at the knot in my stomach. This is what I've urged myself to do. My time to adventure begins today.
During this cruise, I've decided to hold myself to a contact of sorts. If you're readying this, you probably know that I enjoy writing and find it very relaxing. Recording your thoughts on paper/computer is cathartic and offers much in the way of sentiment. Ultimately, my plan is to keep a daily journal/posting and keep it in a word document. I'm trying to shoot for at least five-hundred words an entry, around fifteen to twenty-five minutes of writing and processing the day. I realize that setting a bar like this may force me to feel like I have to write more than I actually have to say, but I want this work to be profound when I look back on it. I want to be proud of what I've done, and have a memory forever recorded on paper (I'm going to need to buy a printer when I get back, damn!).
When everything is said and done, and I've proofread the whole thing a few hundred times, I plan on putting it up on here, and letting everyone who want to read it have at it, It won't be ninety posts, but one large one that is probably more than anyone would ever want to read in one sitting. Nonetheless, I will still print this thing out and have the satisfaction of writing a frickin' stack of paper in a summer.
So thanks Mom and Dad, for coming down today and taking me out to eat, Thanks allowing me to go to some school on the coast that is know for hard work and long summers. Thanks for believing in me and letting me chase my dreams regardless of how far they take me away from you two. I owe you all so much, and I owe it to you to do my best.
That is what I promise I will do.
Wishing you all the best, and have a great summer. God Bless you and may He keep the sun shining bright all summer long. I'll see you all in August, and until then
it's been a good walk.
AF
Monday, April 25, 2016
A lot of People will Know where I am going and I'll have a Phone
This was a great weekend.
In my last weekend home before I sail this summer, I went up to see my best friends at the state college about forty five minuets away. Needless to say, it was a very "college experience and I had more fun that weekend than the three before it. Nothing beats hangout out with your true friends and seeing the people make make home so great.
You see, I've been reading a lot lately. The last two book I read, Paper Towns by John Green and Into the Wild by John Krakauer, deal extensively with the themes of adventure and leaving. These two things are very prevalent in my life, especially now that I am on the precipice of a salty summer. My adventure will not be akin of Margo Roth Spiegleman or Chris McCandless; a lot of people will know where I am going and I'll have a phone.
These books have made me think about what I am undertaking though. This adventure will afford me experiences that I couldn't get any other way. Some people may make jokes about how 'crunchy' this picture is I am painting, and I honestly don't care. I'm not doing this for anyone else, I don't really need to defend my choices to people (or this choice at least). I want urgently the freedom of choice and the responsibility to be beholden to myself, meanwhile I value the dear friendships I've made.
I guess this is where the selfish part of the whole adventurism-lifestyle come into play. In order to feel the freedom of the Alaskan countryside or miles of open blacktop with nothing but a backpack and a crosshatch notebook, I need to (simply put) leave. Now, this may sound simple, but when you have great friends and family at home, some of whom you haven't laid eyes on in more than ten months, it's hard to put it on hiatus for even longer and not feel like an ass.This is the price of adventure; I am exchanging a summer for an experience that few people get to have. I committed to this trip long ago, and I will honor my word to myself. I owe it to all those that aided me in wandering into this place, and now that I am here I need to do what it right.
Now, to all my friends I will not see until August third, have a great freakin' summer. You guys have made my first year of college so great and I really owe it to you for helping me get through some pretty crappy times (the month of yelling/the ten days of poop). Just the thought of those late night Smash/Mario Cart sessions made me smile. I'm sure I will be thinking of those nights during some of those really shitty stormy nights that I spend heaving the whatever-the-hell-is-in-my-stomach into a seawater toilet bowl that smells like stale pee and testosterone.
Just to clarify, I typed that last sentence with a smile on my face, because Chris McCandless would say that's a needed experience of the shipboard life, and Margo Roth Spiegleman would say that I would need to clean myself up and take a damn shower (right?).
I can't wait!
AF
P.S. Canada is still a wicked interesting Country. I dig talking to her.
In my last weekend home before I sail this summer, I went up to see my best friends at the state college about forty five minuets away. Needless to say, it was a very "college experience and I had more fun that weekend than the three before it. Nothing beats hangout out with your true friends and seeing the people make make home so great.
You see, I've been reading a lot lately. The last two book I read, Paper Towns by John Green and Into the Wild by John Krakauer, deal extensively with the themes of adventure and leaving. These two things are very prevalent in my life, especially now that I am on the precipice of a salty summer. My adventure will not be akin of Margo Roth Spiegleman or Chris McCandless; a lot of people will know where I am going and I'll have a phone.
These books have made me think about what I am undertaking though. This adventure will afford me experiences that I couldn't get any other way. Some people may make jokes about how 'crunchy' this picture is I am painting, and I honestly don't care. I'm not doing this for anyone else, I don't really need to defend my choices to people (or this choice at least). I want urgently the freedom of choice and the responsibility to be beholden to myself, meanwhile I value the dear friendships I've made.
I guess this is where the selfish part of the whole adventurism-lifestyle come into play. In order to feel the freedom of the Alaskan countryside or miles of open blacktop with nothing but a backpack and a crosshatch notebook, I need to (simply put) leave. Now, this may sound simple, but when you have great friends and family at home, some of whom you haven't laid eyes on in more than ten months, it's hard to put it on hiatus for even longer and not feel like an ass.This is the price of adventure; I am exchanging a summer for an experience that few people get to have. I committed to this trip long ago, and I will honor my word to myself. I owe it to all those that aided me in wandering into this place, and now that I am here I need to do what it right.
Now, to all my friends I will not see until August third, have a great freakin' summer. You guys have made my first year of college so great and I really owe it to you for helping me get through some pretty crappy times (the month of yelling/the ten days of poop). Just the thought of those late night Smash/Mario Cart sessions made me smile. I'm sure I will be thinking of those nights during some of those really shitty stormy nights that I spend heaving the whatever-the-hell-is-in-my-stomach into a seawater toilet bowl that smells like stale pee and testosterone.
Just to clarify, I typed that last sentence with a smile on my face, because Chris McCandless would say that's a needed experience of the shipboard life, and Margo Roth Spiegleman would say that I would need to clean myself up and take a damn shower (right?).
I can't wait!
AF
P.S. Canada is still a wicked interesting Country. I dig talking to her.
Friday, April 15, 2016
Flour and Honey Mustard
On Thursday, I had a near miss.
The morning maintenance session was underway as usual, but instead of a usually-petty-boring engine assignment, I was assigned to help take on stores for the cruise that I will be going on this summer. Today, it was bulk dry goods and non-perishables. It a mini-cargo operation; I've never seen the ship so busy.
The first hour was pretty brutal. I have never before carried so much mountain dew. Each load was stacked six cases high in the familiar fire wood fashion. Walking was the easy part, but I think I managed to drop (most) of the cases pretty roughly on the deck. I apologize in advance for those who like the stuff... You're probably going to get a face full of electric green as soon as crack one open.
Soon there after, some hand trucks were given out and the process was expedited even further. The trucks were fully loaded with even more soda and I've never been so sick of damn cans in my life. Eventually the soda ran out, only to replaced by Gatorade syrup and juice concentrate. After that came, pasta, mustard, ketchup, olives, more bulk goods.
Then came flour and honey mustard.
I wasn't on the weather deck at the time, but the main deck standing away from the cargo square like I had been told to do. I was busy loading my truck and thinking about something else to say to my old-OIC. Two contractors were walking down the passage way and were about to go under the cargo hatch, but an upperclassmen put her arm out to stop them. She was doing exactly what she was told to do, and stopped them right in their tracks. I heard one of them swear under his breath and turn around to go the long way to get to the stair well.
A moment later a bridle on the cargo net parted, spilling a pallet's worth of flour nearly fifteen feet through the cargo hatch onto the main deck. It sounded like a gunshot, and I could feel the shock wave through the steel plating. After a few moments, the flour settled and everyone remaind quiets.I think we collectively realized that the two contractors were a few step from being crushed beneath what at one time be pancakes, and simultaneously let out one big "holy f****** shit f***.
To make a long story short, the mates on the ship made sure everyone was okay, check for damage, assigned people to clean up the mess (which was actually kind of fun, have you even had flour up to your shins and cleaned mustard off a bulkhead?) and the operation continued. The cadet that stopped the contractors was given as close to a fist bump as the crew give, and an extra emphasis was placed on the importance of following procedure. A good thing came out of something that could have been very bad; ship rules save lives.
I think this is my first ship story, and I know there are more to come soon. As I prepare to cruise this summer, I decided to hold it upon myself to keep a journal over each of the ninety days. I have no idea what I will do with the work, but I promised myself I would do it.
Here's to a good weekend.
AF
The first hour was pretty brutal. I have never before carried so much mountain dew. Each load was stacked six cases high in the familiar fire wood fashion. Walking was the easy part, but I think I managed to drop (most) of the cases pretty roughly on the deck. I apologize in advance for those who like the stuff... You're probably going to get a face full of electric green as soon as crack one open.
Soon there after, some hand trucks were given out and the process was expedited even further. The trucks were fully loaded with even more soda and I've never been so sick of damn cans in my life. Eventually the soda ran out, only to replaced by Gatorade syrup and juice concentrate. After that came, pasta, mustard, ketchup, olives, more bulk goods.
Then came flour and honey mustard.
I wasn't on the weather deck at the time, but the main deck standing away from the cargo square like I had been told to do. I was busy loading my truck and thinking about something else to say to my old-OIC. Two contractors were walking down the passage way and were about to go under the cargo hatch, but an upperclassmen put her arm out to stop them. She was doing exactly what she was told to do, and stopped them right in their tracks. I heard one of them swear under his breath and turn around to go the long way to get to the stair well.
A moment later a bridle on the cargo net parted, spilling a pallet's worth of flour nearly fifteen feet through the cargo hatch onto the main deck. It sounded like a gunshot, and I could feel the shock wave through the steel plating. After a few moments, the flour settled and everyone remaind quiets.I think we collectively realized that the two contractors were a few step from being crushed beneath what at one time be pancakes, and simultaneously let out one big "holy f****** shit f***.
To make a long story short, the mates on the ship made sure everyone was okay, check for damage, assigned people to clean up the mess (which was actually kind of fun, have you even had flour up to your shins and cleaned mustard off a bulkhead?) and the operation continued. The cadet that stopped the contractors was given as close to a fist bump as the crew give, and an extra emphasis was placed on the importance of following procedure. A good thing came out of something that could have been very bad; ship rules save lives.
I think this is my first ship story, and I know there are more to come soon. As I prepare to cruise this summer, I decided to hold it upon myself to keep a journal over each of the ninety days. I have no idea what I will do with the work, but I promised myself I would do it.
Here's to a good weekend.
AF
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Life is Strange (part II)
I have a big test tomorrow in Humanities II, a class that challenges the way I think. Lately, we have been talking about quantum entanglement, and all things that make my head hurt. One way that I have been able to better understand some of the things we have talked about is the game (I'd rather call it a narrative, because it has really made an impact on my life) Life is Strange.
I just completed the third of five episodes, and the volume is picking up. Max, the protagonist, is now capable of altering events even deeper into the past. One of the main points of the story is that Max's friend blames the way her life turned out because of her father's death when she was just a young child. The friend is the definition of a teenage burnout; drugs, ill-fated relationships, and the occasional police run-in are the ordinary. The death altered the friend's path in life drastically, but what if it didn't happen?
The player is presented with a choice at the climax of episode three; to hide the father's keys to prevent him from driving, or let the man die in a car crash that sparked the downward spiral of her friend? After weighing the pros and lack of cons I decided to save the dad, but the repercussions of that decision couldn't have been any larger. When the payer comes back to the 'current" time, Max's friend no longer has the blue punk rock hair, tattoos, or attitude she once has; instead, she has a wheelchair and a hole in her throat.
This is where the episode ends, but why? I thought saving the father would set the friend's life on track to something more productive, no make her an quadriplegic. I haven't played beyond this point, most due to the test tomorrow, but I think I can already see the conclusion on the horizon. Everything happens for a reason, even if it is truly awful and there are no benefits at all. Sometimes, things just need to be the way they are. I can see this in my own life in two big events; a death and a sickness. One before I was on this planet, and one when I was still a young child.
My brother (whom I have written about before) passed away in 1989, which set in motion a series of events that led to a divorce, another marriage, and my birth. I have always wondered if my brother was alive today, would things have happened like they did? Is my life directly tied to the death of my brother? Its a weird notion to have, but I have talked about it with my Mother before. She gave me some insight into the issue, but she really couldn't say that things would be the same.
She did say, however, that she put her faith in God during this whole event. Regardless of what happened, my Mom's faith in God's plan for herself and her family would never have changed, and that the way her life has played out simply is. She truly is one of the strongest people I know, and has always been a role model to me. My Mother has been tested in more ways than I will ever know, but her resilience is what gives me hope and drives me to succeed in my life.
The next big experience that I will talk about was my pretty serious illness in the eight grade. Long story short, I was extremely sick and had long road to recovery, but I did it. The experience of being in an intensive care unit and getting a glimpse of what my brother went though some twenty years prior weighed on me and especially on my Mother. Oddly enough, I feel like having this shared experience is what gave me insight into who he was. I felt like I got to know him without ever hearing his voice or seeing him in person.
Now if I were to go back in time and change all of this, would my life today be anything similar to where I am currently? Honestly, I don't couldn't say one way or another, and I don't really think that is up to me to even contemplate. Things happened, and they are irreversible. My Mother has told me that life is weird, and that these things happen for reasons we may never know. It's our faith in God and the people around us that help us cope with these terrible events; with their help we can push though and do great things.
My Mom is right. I've been givne a great opportunity on this earth and it is up to me to make the most of it. It's up to me to not get caught up in the could-have-beens and memories, but to see the world for what it is worth.
Life truly is strange.
I hope at least understand some of it (and get a good enough grade on yet another test).
AF
I just completed the third of five episodes, and the volume is picking up. Max, the protagonist, is now capable of altering events even deeper into the past. One of the main points of the story is that Max's friend blames the way her life turned out because of her father's death when she was just a young child. The friend is the definition of a teenage burnout; drugs, ill-fated relationships, and the occasional police run-in are the ordinary. The death altered the friend's path in life drastically, but what if it didn't happen?
The player is presented with a choice at the climax of episode three; to hide the father's keys to prevent him from driving, or let the man die in a car crash that sparked the downward spiral of her friend? After weighing the pros and lack of cons I decided to save the dad, but the repercussions of that decision couldn't have been any larger. When the payer comes back to the 'current" time, Max's friend no longer has the blue punk rock hair, tattoos, or attitude she once has; instead, she has a wheelchair and a hole in her throat.
This is where the episode ends, but why? I thought saving the father would set the friend's life on track to something more productive, no make her an quadriplegic. I haven't played beyond this point, most due to the test tomorrow, but I think I can already see the conclusion on the horizon. Everything happens for a reason, even if it is truly awful and there are no benefits at all. Sometimes, things just need to be the way they are. I can see this in my own life in two big events; a death and a sickness. One before I was on this planet, and one when I was still a young child.
My brother (whom I have written about before) passed away in 1989, which set in motion a series of events that led to a divorce, another marriage, and my birth. I have always wondered if my brother was alive today, would things have happened like they did? Is my life directly tied to the death of my brother? Its a weird notion to have, but I have talked about it with my Mother before. She gave me some insight into the issue, but she really couldn't say that things would be the same.
She did say, however, that she put her faith in God during this whole event. Regardless of what happened, my Mom's faith in God's plan for herself and her family would never have changed, and that the way her life has played out simply is. She truly is one of the strongest people I know, and has always been a role model to me. My Mother has been tested in more ways than I will ever know, but her resilience is what gives me hope and drives me to succeed in my life.
The next big experience that I will talk about was my pretty serious illness in the eight grade. Long story short, I was extremely sick and had long road to recovery, but I did it. The experience of being in an intensive care unit and getting a glimpse of what my brother went though some twenty years prior weighed on me and especially on my Mother. Oddly enough, I feel like having this shared experience is what gave me insight into who he was. I felt like I got to know him without ever hearing his voice or seeing him in person.
Now if I were to go back in time and change all of this, would my life today be anything similar to where I am currently? Honestly, I don't couldn't say one way or another, and I don't really think that is up to me to even contemplate. Things happened, and they are irreversible. My Mother has told me that life is weird, and that these things happen for reasons we may never know. It's our faith in God and the people around us that help us cope with these terrible events; with their help we can push though and do great things.
My Mom is right. I've been givne a great opportunity on this earth and it is up to me to make the most of it. It's up to me to not get caught up in the could-have-beens and memories, but to see the world for what it is worth.
Life truly is strange.
I hope at least understand some of it (and get a good enough grade on yet another test).
AF
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Wow, all that from Girl Scout Cookies?
Today, I bought some Girl Scout Cookies.
Four dollars for a box of sweet, minty joy was more than enough for me. In a place that is drab on even the most colorful of days, you'll take whatever form of happiness you can find. The girls seemed genuinely happy to have yet another sale; I'm sure they're doing just fine and my contribution is just another five dollar bill added to their wad.
Thin Mints. I bought Thin Mints. The last time I had these delicious babies were when I was home and I hid them in the freezer (right next to the Nutella so dad can only get a little bit out of the jar). I guess I'm just overly sentimental right now; everything seems to make me think of my friends and the house that I grew up in and the summers and blah blah blah... I've already gone down this road. I've realized these things, but I've also looked to see that this part of my life is going to be an adventure more than anything else.
I feel like I've said that a lot. I probably (definitely) have, and I think I do this because it is the big thing keeping me going. If I went to literally any other school, there would be no chance in hell that I would put myself through calculus or physics, because I never felt confident enough in my mathematical abilities to even attempt these subjects. Now that I am here, and I don't have any alternative, I'm doing my best and things are actually going pretty well. Right now I have an A and a B respectively, and I pray to Jeebus that I can keep up the status quo.
I think that the change in scenery (Wilton ---> Castine) and sudden thrusting into a different lifestyle changed me, or at least a little part of me anyway. I am without a doubt more independent now, but I think that living with mostly (white, republican, and maybe-not-the-most-open-minded) dudes has also trained me to bite my tongue more than I once would. I'm going to be with these people for two semesters straight, and learning to deal with differing personalities hasn't been the easiest situation for me.
I don't support DT, but many people here do. I guess I can empathize with what they feel toward the current day political situation, but I'd like to think that the ethics that I've been brought up on by both the church and my parents make me want to help more than I hurt (or at least attempt to do so). That isn't necessarily the way many people here feel here, in spite of what they chose to call themselves. I guess my methodology doesn't truly line up with what they feel, and by George that is okay. The world appears to be as tempestuous as ever. The attacks around the world, various wars, and changing political climate are creating a place that the current generation has to deal with. I don't have an answer to how we will change these things for the better, but I do know that good faith and human nature isn't something to be wasted.
The world will always have evil in it. Big people in high places will use power to justify their actions, right or wrong. The thing that makes us human is our ability to respond to this; humanity makes itself apparent when tragedy strikes and our friends need help. The human struggle is to eke out an existence that means something to the individual and benefits those that they hold most dear to them. Now that I think about it, that last line pretty much disqualifies the first sentence of this paragraph, but that is okay. Once one realize that we all want this for ourselves, we can begin to empathize with those around us. So, DT, I guess I do see where you are coming from. You seek to make life better and more enjoyable for yourself and your family, just as I would. I can't say that you're my choice of a candidate, but I realize you're human. In your humanity, you've distorted what it means to help those around you by specific... but that is another post.
I probably won't have a lasting impact on this earth. What I can do, however, is quantify what is going on around me and strive to do my part in making that 'something' better. It would be remiss of me to say that I help at every opportunity I get; my life has never been so presently self-important than right now (I spend most of my days thinking only about what I have to do). This ins't a bad thing, but it is the reality of the situation. I don't have the means to dive into social reform right now, but I will down the road. The when and where are yet to be determined, I just need to be receptive.
I've been thinking a lot lately, so expect another post soon.
AF
Four dollars for a box of sweet, minty joy was more than enough for me. In a place that is drab on even the most colorful of days, you'll take whatever form of happiness you can find. The girls seemed genuinely happy to have yet another sale; I'm sure they're doing just fine and my contribution is just another five dollar bill added to their wad.
Thin Mints. I bought Thin Mints. The last time I had these delicious babies were when I was home and I hid them in the freezer (right next to the Nutella so dad can only get a little bit out of the jar). I guess I'm just overly sentimental right now; everything seems to make me think of my friends and the house that I grew up in and the summers and blah blah blah... I've already gone down this road. I've realized these things, but I've also looked to see that this part of my life is going to be an adventure more than anything else.
I feel like I've said that a lot. I probably (definitely) have, and I think I do this because it is the big thing keeping me going. If I went to literally any other school, there would be no chance in hell that I would put myself through calculus or physics, because I never felt confident enough in my mathematical abilities to even attempt these subjects. Now that I am here, and I don't have any alternative, I'm doing my best and things are actually going pretty well. Right now I have an A and a B respectively, and I pray to Jeebus that I can keep up the status quo.
I think that the change in scenery (Wilton ---> Castine) and sudden thrusting into a different lifestyle changed me, or at least a little part of me anyway. I am without a doubt more independent now, but I think that living with mostly (white, republican, and maybe-not-the-most-open-minded) dudes has also trained me to bite my tongue more than I once would. I'm going to be with these people for two semesters straight, and learning to deal with differing personalities hasn't been the easiest situation for me.
I don't support DT, but many people here do. I guess I can empathize with what they feel toward the current day political situation, but I'd like to think that the ethics that I've been brought up on by both the church and my parents make me want to help more than I hurt (or at least attempt to do so). That isn't necessarily the way many people here feel here, in spite of what they chose to call themselves. I guess my methodology doesn't truly line up with what they feel, and by George that is okay. The world appears to be as tempestuous as ever. The attacks around the world, various wars, and changing political climate are creating a place that the current generation has to deal with. I don't have an answer to how we will change these things for the better, but I do know that good faith and human nature isn't something to be wasted.
The world will always have evil in it. Big people in high places will use power to justify their actions, right or wrong. The thing that makes us human is our ability to respond to this; humanity makes itself apparent when tragedy strikes and our friends need help. The human struggle is to eke out an existence that means something to the individual and benefits those that they hold most dear to them. Now that I think about it, that last line pretty much disqualifies the first sentence of this paragraph, but that is okay. Once one realize that we all want this for ourselves, we can begin to empathize with those around us. So, DT, I guess I do see where you are coming from. You seek to make life better and more enjoyable for yourself and your family, just as I would. I can't say that you're my choice of a candidate, but I realize you're human. In your humanity, you've distorted what it means to help those around you by specific... but that is another post.
I probably won't have a lasting impact on this earth. What I can do, however, is quantify what is going on around me and strive to do my part in making that 'something' better. It would be remiss of me to say that I help at every opportunity I get; my life has never been so presently self-important than right now (I spend most of my days thinking only about what I have to do). This ins't a bad thing, but it is the reality of the situation. I don't have the means to dive into social reform right now, but I will down the road. The when and where are yet to be determined, I just need to be receptive.
I've been thinking a lot lately, so expect another post soon.
AF
Monday, March 21, 2016
And Sunsets
It feels like I've been away from writing for a while; some much needed time spent at home and the return to an ever-increasingly busy school schedule creates for some long ass nights, to say the least.
My last night in the house I grew up in was probably last week; my parents put our house up for sale a while ago and things are starting to pick up. My room is hotel clean and didn't really feel like it was mine anymore. The house is devoid of all things that say a family is living here; my parents did a great job getting it ready for market. I will miss this house and all the memories I had growing up there. This was the place that I learned so much about what it means to grow up in Maine.
Home was the place that I would go to spend time in the woods with my dog, exploring and living a childhood that can never truly be captured. I will miss the long summer days of processing wood for the winter reserve with Dad and dog nearby under the apple trees taking respite in its cool shade. I will miss wandering in the woods with Mom and sharing conversation about the future. Home was a great place, and the house provided me with so much, but like anything, life moves on.
This life is not meant to stay stationary, and its not like I'm moving to Cambodia. My parents own another property in the same town that is equally as special and personal. When I was younger, I resisted the move more than anything; I fought my parents will to put the house on the market early for selfish reasons and I regret that to this day. It wasn't right for me to do that, because home is not just a building anymore than it is a field. The people inside are what truly matter more than anything, and I wish I saw that sooner.
It is a little bit sad for me though. It seems like the independence I so longed for ten months ago was suddenly thrust upon me in greater waves than I could ever imagine. Cruise this summer is bound to only increase my liberation even more; I will become the world and adventurous person that I wanted so desperately to be during my childhood, however, I will have to trade the familiar for the foreign.
Who knew growing up is such a crazy horse-ride into a cowboy sunset.
Yehaw.
My last night in the house I grew up in was probably last week; my parents put our house up for sale a while ago and things are starting to pick up. My room is hotel clean and didn't really feel like it was mine anymore. The house is devoid of all things that say a family is living here; my parents did a great job getting it ready for market. I will miss this house and all the memories I had growing up there. This was the place that I learned so much about what it means to grow up in Maine.
Home was the place that I would go to spend time in the woods with my dog, exploring and living a childhood that can never truly be captured. I will miss the long summer days of processing wood for the winter reserve with Dad and dog nearby under the apple trees taking respite in its cool shade. I will miss wandering in the woods with Mom and sharing conversation about the future. Home was a great place, and the house provided me with so much, but like anything, life moves on.
This life is not meant to stay stationary, and its not like I'm moving to Cambodia. My parents own another property in the same town that is equally as special and personal. When I was younger, I resisted the move more than anything; I fought my parents will to put the house on the market early for selfish reasons and I regret that to this day. It wasn't right for me to do that, because home is not just a building anymore than it is a field. The people inside are what truly matter more than anything, and I wish I saw that sooner.
It is a little bit sad for me though. It seems like the independence I so longed for ten months ago was suddenly thrust upon me in greater waves than I could ever imagine. Cruise this summer is bound to only increase my liberation even more; I will become the world and adventurous person that I wanted so desperately to be during my childhood, however, I will have to trade the familiar for the foreign.
Who knew growing up is such a crazy horse-ride into a cowboy sunset.
Yehaw.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Sun in an Empty Room
Ahh, a good weekend. I didn't make it up t the land of milk and honey, but I found a nice little patch in the sun by the sea. It was a good night, and I had more fun than I thought I was going to. It's always nice meeting up with new people and shooting the breeze, learning about who they are, and just having a good conversation. All in all, it was good and I'm glad I had a chance to go.
In other news, I was jumping around on Spotify and I found another pretty kick ass song by The Weakerthans, a Winnipeg (cool city with wicked cool people-I've met one!) based band that has strayed from their days of punk rock and found a niche in mellow indie rock (the dad of all rock). Pretty chill stuff if you're into Spoon or Pedro the Lion.
The song, Sun in an Empty Room is a perfect example of how great a vibe this band can cast. It's a nice bluesy tune that facilitates a lip-pursing head bob. Again, I've found anther sick song due to Discover Weekly (these people should totally pay me for all the props I'm giving them), and I'm excited to see what new music will come my way on Monday.
Anyway, I've been jumping around in my head a little bit lately. This is the last week of classes before spring break, and I can't wait to go home. I have missed it a little bit, but I am nowhere as homesick I was this first semester. Maybe it had to do with the whole shipping disaster incident and living on the ship definitely didn't help. It just felt like I was trapped on the rust bucket even though we were moored up. Fortunately, I got over that feeling and I'm looking forward to going out on cruise this summer.
It will suck being away, but I think of what I would be doing if I were at a state school with all that time off. I'd probably find a couple more jobs and plug away for forty hours a week to scrape by and have loads of summer fun in Farmtown, but I think this is my chance to really get out in the world and see some really cool stuff. It's what I want to do, and this is my first chance to do it. I can't wait to set sail, but I have a lot of stuff to learn before May 5th.
It will be a good experience, and I am ready for it. I'm turning twenty this year, and I have a chance to do something very few twenty year olds get to do. I'm so lucky to have the support of my friends and family in this. I wouldn't be here without their influence in my life, and I just hope to do right by them and give everything I have to be the best I can.
Not to sound too preachy, but life is something worth experiencing to the highest degree. Things can change so quickly, and to have the world dropped on its head right next to you is humbling to say the least. The sooner we realize and appreciate life for what it is worth, the better our shared experiences will be. I know I've been blessed to be where I am; thank you for everything.
Here's to a quick week, good friends, and another shitty Monday.
In other news, I was jumping around on Spotify and I found another pretty kick ass song by The Weakerthans, a Winnipeg (cool city with wicked cool people-I've met one!) based band that has strayed from their days of punk rock and found a niche in mellow indie rock (the dad of all rock). Pretty chill stuff if you're into Spoon or Pedro the Lion.
The song, Sun in an Empty Room is a perfect example of how great a vibe this band can cast. It's a nice bluesy tune that facilitates a lip-pursing head bob. Again, I've found anther sick song due to Discover Weekly (these people should totally pay me for all the props I'm giving them), and I'm excited to see what new music will come my way on Monday.
Anyway, I've been jumping around in my head a little bit lately. This is the last week of classes before spring break, and I can't wait to go home. I have missed it a little bit, but I am nowhere as homesick I was this first semester. Maybe it had to do with the whole shipping disaster incident and living on the ship definitely didn't help. It just felt like I was trapped on the rust bucket even though we were moored up. Fortunately, I got over that feeling and I'm looking forward to going out on cruise this summer.
It will suck being away, but I think of what I would be doing if I were at a state school with all that time off. I'd probably find a couple more jobs and plug away for forty hours a week to scrape by and have loads of summer fun in Farmtown, but I think this is my chance to really get out in the world and see some really cool stuff. It's what I want to do, and this is my first chance to do it. I can't wait to set sail, but I have a lot of stuff to learn before May 5th.
It will be a good experience, and I am ready for it. I'm turning twenty this year, and I have a chance to do something very few twenty year olds get to do. I'm so lucky to have the support of my friends and family in this. I wouldn't be here without their influence in my life, and I just hope to do right by them and give everything I have to be the best I can.
Not to sound too preachy, but life is something worth experiencing to the highest degree. Things can change so quickly, and to have the world dropped on its head right next to you is humbling to say the least. The sooner we realize and appreciate life for what it is worth, the better our shared experiences will be. I know I've been blessed to be where I am; thank you for everything.
Here's to a quick week, good friends, and another shitty Monday.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Life is Strange (pt1)
I started to play Life is Strange this weekend, and I must say that it's really made me think about how freakin' weird life can be. The game deals a lot with happiness, decisions, and the relationships we build with those around us. It also has a superb soundtrack that really speaks to the core game design; every decision you make can be undone, because the main character can control time.
Imagine having a conversation with someone, and then having the ability to rewind it and change a few words that forks into an entirely different conversation in itself. This power has great weight in the game, and it is an extremely interesting dynamic; dose the player chose to accuse a security guard of harassment or point the finger at a fellow classmate that is slinging drugs on the side? The decision doesn't really matter at the present moment, because regardless of how you chose to play it, your decision can be undone and the other option can be explored.
During my time playing the game, I've wondered how this dynamic could apply to my life. Has every decision I've made been the right one? Of course, the answer is no. If I could rewind time and speak out in times where I wanted noting more than to not be noticed, or stay quiet when I should have, I feel like I could really avoid having to pull my foot out of my yap.
But does having a rewind button take away what it means to be human? As I wrote this, I realized that undoing all the mistake or wrongs you have committed would change your perception of life; you would never truly learn from your mistakes in a permanent and meaningful way. I would constantly be undoing the smallest mistakes and always come out on the bright side of situations. Winning all the time doesn't make a team better. Losing can tell you more about yourself than anything else ever could.
If I could change anything in my life, I wouldn't. However, if I could go back to the beginning and do it all over again, would I play it out the same? I think the answer to that could only be realized if I were to literally start life in the cradle again; I honestly don't know. I don't know if I would decide to go to a pseudo-military school where I often daydream about hiking the AT and/or riding a motorcycle across Canada, exploring life though experiences and not buried in a textbook doing physics until my fingers bleed.
The choices I have made are mine, and I own up to them. I took control of my life and am doing what I am doing because I think this is what I want to do, but (as I have said before) I would be lying to say that I've never wanted to cash in all this hard work and explore other options. Maybe I would find a meaning to life larger than a dollar, but at this point I am doing the 'most very clean cut, well educated, and typical' thing a nineteen year old can do; working my ass off in school and giving (hopefully) setting myself up for a great future.
Life is strange, and the decisions we make constantly alter the roads we travel down. Having the ability to go back between each decision won't make us better people, but just give us too much control in our lives, and will often cause more problems than we anticipated. The best course through life is the one that we are on, and it can only get better if we make educated decisions and live with as few regrets as possible. i only ope to take my own advice, and to continue on the path that I am on. It's not a lot of fun right now, but who is to say that I can't do the AT or ride my newly purchased Triumph T-100 (or do i really need such a nice bike?) in matte black from Antigonish to Prince Rupert (or the other way around?) when I am twenty-four/five/six-ish. Only time will tell.
In closing, I would like to share one of my favorite songs that has popped up in the game. I'm only in the second episode (of five), so I hope to find more as I go. Anyway, the link is below and I really suggest you give it a listen as you ask yourself if every decision you have made has been a good one, and if you change any of the thing you have done if given the power to.
Here's to another shitty Monday, and hopefully a good weekend.
Imagine having a conversation with someone, and then having the ability to rewind it and change a few words that forks into an entirely different conversation in itself. This power has great weight in the game, and it is an extremely interesting dynamic; dose the player chose to accuse a security guard of harassment or point the finger at a fellow classmate that is slinging drugs on the side? The decision doesn't really matter at the present moment, because regardless of how you chose to play it, your decision can be undone and the other option can be explored.
During my time playing the game, I've wondered how this dynamic could apply to my life. Has every decision I've made been the right one? Of course, the answer is no. If I could rewind time and speak out in times where I wanted noting more than to not be noticed, or stay quiet when I should have, I feel like I could really avoid having to pull my foot out of my yap.
But does having a rewind button take away what it means to be human? As I wrote this, I realized that undoing all the mistake or wrongs you have committed would change your perception of life; you would never truly learn from your mistakes in a permanent and meaningful way. I would constantly be undoing the smallest mistakes and always come out on the bright side of situations. Winning all the time doesn't make a team better. Losing can tell you more about yourself than anything else ever could.
If I could change anything in my life, I wouldn't. However, if I could go back to the beginning and do it all over again, would I play it out the same? I think the answer to that could only be realized if I were to literally start life in the cradle again; I honestly don't know. I don't know if I would decide to go to a pseudo-military school where I often daydream about hiking the AT and/or riding a motorcycle across Canada, exploring life though experiences and not buried in a textbook doing physics until my fingers bleed.
The choices I have made are mine, and I own up to them. I took control of my life and am doing what I am doing because I think this is what I want to do, but (as I have said before) I would be lying to say that I've never wanted to cash in all this hard work and explore other options. Maybe I would find a meaning to life larger than a dollar, but at this point I am doing the 'most very clean cut, well educated, and typical' thing a nineteen year old can do; working my ass off in school and giving (hopefully) setting myself up for a great future.
Life is strange, and the decisions we make constantly alter the roads we travel down. Having the ability to go back between each decision won't make us better people, but just give us too much control in our lives, and will often cause more problems than we anticipated. The best course through life is the one that we are on, and it can only get better if we make educated decisions and live with as few regrets as possible. i only ope to take my own advice, and to continue on the path that I am on. It's not a lot of fun right now, but who is to say that I can't do the AT or ride my newly purchased Triumph T-100 (or do i really need such a nice bike?) in matte black from Antigonish to Prince Rupert (or the other way around?) when I am twenty-four/five/six-ish. Only time will tell.
In closing, I would like to share one of my favorite songs that has popped up in the game. I'm only in the second episode (of five), so I hope to find more as I go. Anyway, the link is below and I really suggest you give it a listen as you ask yourself if every decision you have made has been a good one, and if you change any of the thing you have done if given the power to.
Here's to another shitty Monday, and hopefully a good weekend.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Happenstance
Do you ever wonder what is on the other side of the moon?
Maybe a bunch of Martians are camping
out there, roasting a weenie
or picking at the latest fashion trends
Do you ever wonder why Buff Chick is so damn
tasty...
Yet it leaves that residue in your mouth
that makes milk taste funny-
its just a little bit off
and you can't put your finger on it
Speaking of that:
What's the deal with Jupiter
and how far away she is
with her bright smile and warm
demeanor. Yet you see the planet
briefly here and there
when you tune into the same channel.
Happenstance.
And my telescope is fogging up;
sea smoke and foreign seas dead ahead
yet it leaves you to wonder
what it means to be (or not) presently
understood
Credentials?
I'll sign anywhere to prove I believe in something!
I'll look anywhere to prove I see something!
Please, Listen to the radio
and hear the silhouettes as they run into the pictures
*High Five*
*Fist Bump*
*Hug*
*awkwardsmilesthatfeeljustright*
But does anyone really know or give a damn?
The philosopher would say: Why should they?
and I guess she is right.
She usually is,
or at least that is what I think(?)
Maybe a bunch of Martians are camping
out there, roasting a weenie
or picking at the latest fashion trends
Do you ever wonder why Buff Chick is so damn
tasty...
Yet it leaves that residue in your mouth
that makes milk taste funny-
its just a little bit off
and you can't put your finger on it
Speaking of that:
What's the deal with Jupiter
and how far away she is
with her bright smile and warm
demeanor. Yet you see the planet
briefly here and there
when you tune into the same channel.
Happenstance.
And my telescope is fogging up;
sea smoke and foreign seas dead ahead
yet it leaves you to wonder
what it means to be (or not) presently
understood
Credentials?
I'll sign anywhere to prove I believe in something!
I'll look anywhere to prove I see something!
Please, Listen to the radio
and hear the silhouettes as they run into the pictures
*High Five*
*Fist Bump*
*Hug*
*awkwardsmilesthatfeeljustright*
But does anyone really know or give a damn?
The philosopher would say: Why should they?
and I guess she is right.
She usually is,
or at least that is what I think(?)
Saturday, February 13, 2016
To the Week of February the Seventh: You Suck
You ever have one of those, hmmm, how should I put it?
Shitty Days? (x7)
Frankly, I still am, but I am prepared to find out what that means by experiencing a world that lies in uncertainty, storms, and a shitload of multiple choice tests. The whole thing sound sort of romantic (I got calc homework for Valentine's day); at my core, the allure of adventure and the chance to see the world was a opportunity I couldn't pass up, regardless of the initial cost of the typical college experience. I lose this notion sometimes, but it always seems to come back to me when I complete these shitty days. It will be worth it, and I will graduate from this place in four damn years, even if it makes me go bald.
This all kind of came together this Friday, when I was snooping around on Spotify. I love this music app more than any other, and I constantly have it up on my computer. This time, I decided to tune into the Discover Weekly playlist, a personalized list of thirty songs that I may or may not like. Usually, I like most if not all of the songs (you go Spotify robot with kick-ass music taste), and I came across Shit Present's Anxious Type. This song just spoke to me for some reason; maybe it was the title's accuracy in the description of my week (specifically the Monday that never ends) or the sweet punk quality that liberates even the most homework laden student with thoughts of motorcycle riding rebellion. For what it's worth, its a good song worth a listen. Maybe it will inspire you to take a breath and relax for a minute?
Shitty Days? (x7)
It was so remarkable, that I decided to mark it on the calendar.
Yeah... I had seven of those last week, but I managed to get through it with only one 66 and a severely damaged (but redeemable) GPA. Indeed, physics is a bear., a mutated bear with four mouths and love for all things involving the hunt and deducting points from the unattainable and wholesome twenty-four. On second thought physics sucks, and it is a disproportionately hard class (that many don't need and will not use upon graduation) that we poor suckers pay God-knows-how-much to ruin our fair academic standing.
Phew, think I got it all there.
Anyway, this week has presented many challenges that I had to overcome, and I did it. It's a good feeling coming out on the other side of a shitty week, because one knows that something better may lie ahead. Unfortunately,this is not a guaranteed fact, but it's close enough to a reality that one clinging to the thoughts of something better will will do just about anything to keep it alive; I hear we will be having buff-chick on Monday at high noon. Yes, the thought of some tasty grub is the only thing that I have to look forward to on Monday. =)
It's not all bad though. I look forward to potentially going up to a neighboring college and spending next weekend with my great pals. The respite is much needed, and I often wonder what it would be like to go to a normal university. I realize that my school is by definition a institution of higher learning, but this is not your frat-boy cousin's school. This is a place that literally crushes you the first couple weeks here, molds you into a student that puts the learned work ethic to the test, and applies every bit of physical and mental stamina to ultimately graduate as a successful member of the workforce.
Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?
Yes, these traits will help me later in life and will make me stand out from the crowd. However, I can't say I've never said "what if?" and daydream of the typical college Friday/Saturday night of wassailing deep into the night. Would it make me happier, or would I major in house parties?Honestly, I don't know what would happen, because I would be going to the schools for all the wrong reasons. I came to this school because I think I know what I want to do with my life. Believe you me, the decision was not easy; like nearly every other high school senior, I was unsure of what I wanted from life.
Frankly, I still am, but I am prepared to find out what that means by experiencing a world that lies in uncertainty, storms, and a shitload of multiple choice tests. The whole thing sound sort of romantic (I got calc homework for Valentine's day); at my core, the allure of adventure and the chance to see the world was a opportunity I couldn't pass up, regardless of the initial cost of the typical college experience. I lose this notion sometimes, but it always seems to come back to me when I complete these shitty days. It will be worth it, and I will graduate from this place in four damn years, even if it makes me go bald.
This all kind of came together this Friday, when I was snooping around on Spotify. I love this music app more than any other, and I constantly have it up on my computer. This time, I decided to tune into the Discover Weekly playlist, a personalized list of thirty songs that I may or may not like. Usually, I like most if not all of the songs (you go Spotify robot with kick-ass music taste), and I came across Shit Present's Anxious Type. This song just spoke to me for some reason; maybe it was the title's accuracy in the description of my week (specifically the Monday that never ends) or the sweet punk quality that liberates even the most homework laden student with thoughts of motorcycle riding rebellion. For what it's worth, its a good song worth a listen. Maybe it will inspire you to take a breath and relax for a minute?
They rip. She's got a heck of a voice. Together, they make a fun in-you-face jam that blends perfectly in a musical harmony that compels one to feel happy in spite of the close-to-home lyrics; its says "lets dance even though we've still got a lot on our plate and time is running out."
Here's to a good week, and everything (will be) is just fine.
AF
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Girls and Other Drugs
Some go to college and experience more gender diversity than they ever have before.
I go to a school with eighty-five percent dudes.
The dynamic here is far from ideal, but I am no heathen either. Its just a unique situation to be in. I haven't really been looking for a relationship for a while either. My last relationship was my longest and first real boyfriend/girlfriend experience. It was great and extremely juvenile; in retrospect, I was one of those puppy dogged seniors that treated smiley faced text like wedding bells. It wasn't healthy and I wasn't mature about it at all.
When it ended, I was crushed. Completely crushed. Flattened. Poof; dust. I was in a slump for pretty much what remained of senior year. I wouldn't talk to you and would walk quickly by whenever our paths crossed. Of course you repaid the favor and look through me just as easily as I listened to break up albums on Spotify. (I got into some really good music then, one of the many upsides of this whole fiasco)
Anyway, after a few months of sulking and a lot of time spent with friends I recovered. I still didn't really look at you though; the last time I was in school you walked into the guidance office. I acted like I didn't see you. I don't know why I did that but I'm over the whole thing now. That was months ago, and I am indifferent again.
Currently I am in a good position. I've really enjoyed talking to this girl that goes to a school forty-five minuets away. She is really an awesome personal and there are so many likable things about her. She is so easy to talk to; conversation doesn't feel like work at all. We've talked for months, and its been pretty great.
The only hitch: we've only really met in person once, for thirty minuets.
The build up to that thirty minuets was the first time I felt genuinely nervous about meeting a girl for the first time. It was weird for me; we (basically) met online through mutual friends and a less than reputable app. This still kind of bothers me, but I feel like we aren't the sixty percent of people that are looking for a relationship that last for more than a night.
Honestly I don't know what I am looking for, and that isn't such a bad thing. Its just nice to have someone to talk to. You see, the days here are not fun. Not in the slightest. They are work compounded by the lack of sleep and deadlines we constantly face. Nobody really enjoys this place, but we know where we want to end up. That's why we are here. Talking to you is enjoyable, and it makes my day so much better.
My trip up to D and A's college was long in the making, and by happenstance you were going to be around on Sunday. So after some rather poorly-crafted text messages and a lot of "You can do it buddy" pats on the back, I sent the message. You were busy for most of the day, but you say it was okay for me to swing by the academic center and say hi.
After I got the directions I made the walk to the building, about a quarter of a mile away. I followed the directions:
The cold-anxious feeling propelled me through the halls; was she anything like what I imagined her to be? As I opened the door to the academic center, I realized that the room was silent. No one was talking, everyone was deep in text or notebook.
What the hell am I doing here?
I immediately walked all the way down the right side of the room hoping to find something close to a speaking section. Unfortunately, the laws of physics stayed true no such room was found. Instead I sat down on a really uncomfortable/conveniently hidden armchair.
Hey man, I have no idea where she is. I am in the academic building but no dice.
I'm on my way
Phew, A was coming to the rescue, A few more minuets went by scrolling through Snapchat news (the most credible way to get your information) before A arrived and proceeded to point out my grossest oversight of the day.
Dude, she is right there!
What? Where?
Look around the wall, literally right there.
Oh. Wow. He was right.
In my haste I had walked right by her, but I didn't think she had noticed. I think she had music in or was intensely studying, but either way I was in the clear.
Thanks man, you're the best. (This is the summation of a few inaudible exchanges)
I walked over to her, pulled out the chair from the desk, and sat down to your right. You smiled, and the conversation and time flew by. We talked, and it was easy. You smiled and you were genuine; it was great to finally put a tangible face to the hundreds of digital exchanges. You laugh was hearty, your expression welcoming. You were every bit as awesome as you had let on.
After about thirty minutes I had to run, my ride back to school was coming soon and you had work to do. At the end of our conversation, you asked when I would be up again, and that made me smile, but I couldn't give you an exact date because of weekend watches and firefighting training. I hope I didn't come off as if I were trying to avoid you; I really do want to see you again and I will be up again soon. Since then, we have continued to talk back and forth and things have been good. I am excited to visit D and A again, and I look forward to the next time I can say hello.
Maybe next time, we could get some coffee?
Here's to college, awesome friends, and even the chance to see you again.
AF
P.S. She also likes Minus the Bear :O
I go to a school with eighty-five percent dudes.
The dynamic here is far from ideal, but I am no heathen either. Its just a unique situation to be in. I haven't really been looking for a relationship for a while either. My last relationship was my longest and first real boyfriend/girlfriend experience. It was great and extremely juvenile; in retrospect, I was one of those puppy dogged seniors that treated smiley faced text like wedding bells. It wasn't healthy and I wasn't mature about it at all.
When it ended, I was crushed. Completely crushed. Flattened. Poof; dust. I was in a slump for pretty much what remained of senior year. I wouldn't talk to you and would walk quickly by whenever our paths crossed. Of course you repaid the favor and look through me just as easily as I listened to break up albums on Spotify. (I got into some really good music then, one of the many upsides of this whole fiasco)
Anyway, after a few months of sulking and a lot of time spent with friends I recovered. I still didn't really look at you though; the last time I was in school you walked into the guidance office. I acted like I didn't see you. I don't know why I did that but I'm over the whole thing now. That was months ago, and I am indifferent again.
Currently I am in a good position. I've really enjoyed talking to this girl that goes to a school forty-five minuets away. She is really an awesome personal and there are so many likable things about her. She is so easy to talk to; conversation doesn't feel like work at all. We've talked for months, and its been pretty great.
The only hitch: we've only really met in person once, for thirty minuets.
The build up to that thirty minuets was the first time I felt genuinely nervous about meeting a girl for the first time. It was weird for me; we (basically) met online through mutual friends and a less than reputable app. This still kind of bothers me, but I feel like we aren't the sixty percent of people that are looking for a relationship that last for more than a night.
Honestly I don't know what I am looking for, and that isn't such a bad thing. Its just nice to have someone to talk to. You see, the days here are not fun. Not in the slightest. They are work compounded by the lack of sleep and deadlines we constantly face. Nobody really enjoys this place, but we know where we want to end up. That's why we are here. Talking to you is enjoyable, and it makes my day so much better.
My trip up to D and A's college was long in the making, and by happenstance you were going to be around on Sunday. So after some rather poorly-crafted text messages and a lot of "You can do it buddy" pats on the back, I sent the message. You were busy for most of the day, but you say it was okay for me to swing by the academic center and say hi.
After I got the directions I made the walk to the building, about a quarter of a mile away. I followed the directions:
"Go to the front of the field house (facing the mall) go in.
Go left, right, left, and then it is a door on your right that
says academic center which is up a set of stairs"
The cold-anxious feeling propelled me through the halls; was she anything like what I imagined her to be? As I opened the door to the academic center, I realized that the room was silent. No one was talking, everyone was deep in text or notebook.
What the hell am I doing here?
I immediately walked all the way down the right side of the room hoping to find something close to a speaking section. Unfortunately, the laws of physics stayed true no such room was found. Instead I sat down on a really uncomfortable/conveniently hidden armchair.
Hey man, I have no idea where she is. I am in the academic building but no dice.
I'm on my way
Phew, A was coming to the rescue, A few more minuets went by scrolling through Snapchat news (the most credible way to get your information) before A arrived and proceeded to point out my grossest oversight of the day.
Dude, she is right there!
What? Where?
Look around the wall, literally right there.
Oh. Wow. He was right.
In my haste I had walked right by her, but I didn't think she had noticed. I think she had music in or was intensely studying, but either way I was in the clear.
Thanks man, you're the best. (This is the summation of a few inaudible exchanges)
I walked over to her, pulled out the chair from the desk, and sat down to your right. You smiled, and the conversation and time flew by. We talked, and it was easy. You smiled and you were genuine; it was great to finally put a tangible face to the hundreds of digital exchanges. You laugh was hearty, your expression welcoming. You were every bit as awesome as you had let on.
After about thirty minutes I had to run, my ride back to school was coming soon and you had work to do. At the end of our conversation, you asked when I would be up again, and that made me smile, but I couldn't give you an exact date because of weekend watches and firefighting training. I hope I didn't come off as if I were trying to avoid you; I really do want to see you again and I will be up again soon. Since then, we have continued to talk back and forth and things have been good. I am excited to visit D and A again, and I look forward to the next time I can say hello.
Maybe next time, we could get some coffee?
Here's to college, awesome friends, and even the chance to see you again.
AF
P.S. She also likes Minus the Bear :O
Recap #1
College has presented a whole new set of challenges, exhilaration, and much needed experiences. I've had far from the typical experiences here; the months of crushing conformity really made me question why I was doing what I was doing. I've never been pushed so hard to fit into a mold and I really resented it. I realize that it is only temporary and that I need it to do what I want to do, but I still resent being apart of it nonetheless. I made it through those really long days and here I am; somewhat changed (and for the better).
During the month of confinement, I thought about life more than I ever had. I reflected on all the choices I made and why they influenced me the way they did. In my searching, I looked through some of my older blog posts and tried to understand where I was coming from. It is now clear to me that I made the mistake that so many do their senior year:
1. Don't look to others (specifically significant) for your sense of happiness
2. You won't stay in your hometown forever
3. All that stupid stuff you did and thought everyone would remember? Nobody remembers
4. You don't need dessert at the end of every day
5. Enjoy everything for what it is
I will say that I had a great senior year, and I've made friends that will stick with me throughout my entire life because I went where I did. In all honesty, they're are probably reading this right now (Thanks guys). I loved my school, but I'm glad I left when I did. The tides of change are constant, and the school that I idolized as a child has changed into something that I can barely recognize. Maybe it was just the shine wearing off. Maybe it was the influence of all things green and weighty. Either way, I'm out of there and glad to be.
The summer before college was a great one. I spent many days playing baseball, enjoying the sun, and working the docks for the last time. I loved the hot days and I miss the freedoms that I had. I will truly miss the smell of the inside of the Toyota during a mild morning, watching the beams of orange light refract into my eyes while I drive, and watching the sun go down on the lake every day. I will miss the times I dug into the box and the feeling of solid contact down the line. These are the things I loved about summer. These are the things I will not have again in my life.
Currently, I am sitting in my dorm and writing to decompress. As you can see, I've been out of the blogging scene for a while, and I feel like a piece of me is missing. This is one of the best forms of release for me, even if nobody reads what I write; the act of typing steadies not only my mind and hand, but allows me to put a thesis on the day. Without it I felt like I wasn't saying everything I needed to, kind of like keeping you mouth shut in an important conversation when you really feel like you have something worthwhile to say.
So, this is my worthwhile statement. I'm back, and I am glad to be.
Thanks for the read, and here's to more posts.
AF
During the month of confinement, I thought about life more than I ever had. I reflected on all the choices I made and why they influenced me the way they did. In my searching, I looked through some of my older blog posts and tried to understand where I was coming from. It is now clear to me that I made the mistake that so many do their senior year:
1. Don't look to others (specifically significant) for your sense of happiness
2. You won't stay in your hometown forever
3. All that stupid stuff you did and thought everyone would remember? Nobody remembers
4. You don't need dessert at the end of every day
5. Enjoy everything for what it is
I will say that I had a great senior year, and I've made friends that will stick with me throughout my entire life because I went where I did. In all honesty, they're are probably reading this right now (Thanks guys). I loved my school, but I'm glad I left when I did. The tides of change are constant, and the school that I idolized as a child has changed into something that I can barely recognize. Maybe it was just the shine wearing off. Maybe it was the influence of all things green and weighty. Either way, I'm out of there and glad to be.
The summer before college was a great one. I spent many days playing baseball, enjoying the sun, and working the docks for the last time. I loved the hot days and I miss the freedoms that I had. I will truly miss the smell of the inside of the Toyota during a mild morning, watching the beams of orange light refract into my eyes while I drive, and watching the sun go down on the lake every day. I will miss the times I dug into the box and the feeling of solid contact down the line. These are the things I loved about summer. These are the things I will not have again in my life.
Currently, I am sitting in my dorm and writing to decompress. As you can see, I've been out of the blogging scene for a while, and I feel like a piece of me is missing. This is one of the best forms of release for me, even if nobody reads what I write; the act of typing steadies not only my mind and hand, but allows me to put a thesis on the day. Without it I felt like I wasn't saying everything I needed to, kind of like keeping you mouth shut in an important conversation when you really feel like you have something worthwhile to say.
So, this is my worthwhile statement. I'm back, and I am glad to be.
Thanks for the read, and here's to more posts.
AF
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