Wow, all that from Girl Scout Cookies?

Today, I bought some Girl Scout Cookies.

Four dollars for a box of sweet, minty joy was more than enough for me. In a place that is drab on even the most colorful of days, you'll take whatever form of happiness you can find. The girls seemed genuinely happy to have yet another sale; I'm sure they're doing just fine and my contribution is just another five dollar bill added to their wad.

Thin Mints. I bought Thin Mints. The last time I had these delicious babies were when I was home and I hid them in the freezer (right next to the Nutella so dad can only get a little bit out of the jar). I guess I'm just overly sentimental right now; everything seems to make me think of my friends and the house that I grew up in and the summers and blah blah blah... I've already gone down this road. I've realized these things, but I've also looked to see that this part of my life is going to be an adventure more than anything else.

I feel like I've said that a lot. I probably (definitely) have, and I think I do this because it is the big thing keeping me going. If I went to literally any other school, there would be no chance in hell that I would put myself through calculus or physics, because I never felt confident enough in my mathematical abilities to even attempt these subjects. Now that I am here, and I don't have any alternative, I'm doing my best and things are actually going pretty well. Right now I have an A and a B respectively, and I pray to Jeebus that I can keep up the status quo.

I think that the change in scenery (Wilton ---> Castine) and sudden thrusting into a different lifestyle changed me, or at least a little part of me anyway. I am without a doubt more independent now, but I think that living with mostly (white, republican, and maybe-not-the-most-open-minded) dudes has also trained me to bite my tongue more than I once would. I'm going to be with these people for two semesters straight, and learning to deal with differing personalities hasn't been the easiest situation for me.

I don't support DT, but many people here do. I guess I can empathize with what they feel toward the current day political situation, but I'd like to think that the ethics that I've been brought up on by both the church and my parents make me want to help more than I hurt (or at least attempt to do so). That isn't necessarily the way many people here feel here, in spite of what they chose to call themselves. I guess my methodology doesn't truly line up with what they feel, and by George that is okay. The world appears to be as tempestuous as ever. The attacks around the world, various wars, and changing political climate are creating a place that the current generation has to deal with. I don't have an answer to how we will change these things for the better, but I do know that good faith and human nature isn't something to be wasted.

The world will always have evil in it. Big people in high places will use power to justify their actions, right or wrong. The thing that makes us human is our ability to respond to this; humanity makes itself apparent when tragedy strikes and our friends need help. The human struggle is to eke out an existence that means something to the individual and benefits those that they hold most dear to them. Now that I think about it, that last line pretty much disqualifies the first sentence of this paragraph, but that is okay. Once one realize that we all want this for ourselves, we can begin to empathize with those around us. So, DT, I guess I do see where you are coming from. You seek to make life better and more enjoyable for yourself and your family, just as I would. I can't say that you're my choice of a candidate, but I realize you're human.  In your humanity, you've distorted what it means to help those around you by specific... but that is another post.


 I probably won't have a lasting impact on this earth. What I can do, however, is quantify what is going on around me and strive to do my part in making that 'something' better. It would be remiss of me to say that I help at every opportunity I get; my life has never been so presently self-important than right now (I spend most of my days thinking only about what I have to do). This ins't a bad thing, but it is the reality of the situation. I don't have the means to dive into social reform right now, but I will down the road. The when and where are yet to be determined, I just need to be receptive.

I've been thinking a lot lately, so expect another post soon.

AF

And Sunsets

It feels like I've been away from writing for a while; some much needed time spent at home and the return to an ever-increasingly busy school schedule creates for some long ass nights, to say the least.

My last night in the house I grew up in was probably last week; my parents put our house up for sale a while ago and things are starting to pick up. My room is hotel clean and didn't really feel like it was mine anymore. The house is devoid of all things that say a family is living here; my parents did a great job getting it ready for market. I will miss this house and all the memories I had growing up there. This was the place that I learned so much about what it means to grow up in Maine.

Home was the place that I would go to spend time in the woods with my dog, exploring and living a childhood that can never truly be captured. I will miss the long summer days of processing wood for the winter reserve with Dad and dog nearby under the apple trees taking respite in its cool shade. I will miss wandering in the woods with Mom and sharing conversation about the future. Home was a great place, and the house provided me with so much, but like anything, life moves on.

This life is not meant to stay stationary, and its not like I'm moving to Cambodia. My parents own another property in the same town that is equally as special and personal. When I was younger, I resisted the move more than anything; I fought my parents will to put the house on the market early for selfish reasons and I regret that to this day. It wasn't right for me to do that, because home is not just a building anymore than it is a field. The people inside are what truly matter more than anything, and I wish I saw that sooner.

It is a little bit sad for me though. It seems like the independence I so longed for ten months ago was suddenly thrust upon me in greater waves than I could ever imagine. Cruise this summer is bound to only increase my liberation even more; I will become the world and adventurous person that I wanted so desperately to be during my childhood, however, I will have to trade the familiar for the foreign.

Who knew growing up is such a crazy horse-ride into a cowboy sunset.

Yehaw.

Sun in an Empty Room

Ahh, a good weekend. I didn't make it up t the land of milk and honey, but I found a nice little patch in the sun by the sea. It was a good night, and I had more fun than I thought I was going to. It's always nice meeting up with new people and shooting the breeze, learning about who they are, and just having a good conversation. All in all, it was good and I'm glad I had a chance to go.

In other news, I was jumping around on Spotify and I found another pretty kick ass song by The Weakerthans, a Winnipeg (cool city with wicked cool people-I've met one!)  based band that has strayed from their days of punk rock and found a niche in mellow indie rock (the dad of all rock). Pretty chill stuff if you're into Spoon or Pedro the Lion.

The song, Sun in an Empty Room is a perfect example of how great a vibe this band can cast. It's a nice bluesy tune that facilitates a lip-pursing head bob. Again, I've found anther sick song due to Discover Weekly (these people should totally pay me for all the props I'm giving them), and I'm excited to see what new music will come my way on Monday.

Anyway, I've been jumping around in my head a little bit lately. This is the last week of classes before spring break, and I can't wait to go home. I have missed it a little bit, but I am nowhere as homesick I was this first semester. Maybe it had to do with the whole shipping disaster incident and living on the ship definitely didn't help. It just felt like I was trapped on the rust bucket even though we were moored up. Fortunately, I got over that feeling and I'm looking forward to going out on cruise this summer.

It will suck being away, but I think of what I would be doing if I were at a state school with all that time off. I'd probably find a couple more jobs and plug away for forty hours a week to scrape by and have loads of summer fun in Farmtown, but I think this is my chance to really get out in the world and see some really cool stuff. It's what I want to do, and this is my first chance to do it. I can't wait to set sail, but I have a lot of stuff to learn before May 5th.

It will be a good experience, and I am ready for it. I'm turning twenty this year, and I have a chance to do something very few twenty year olds get to do. I'm so lucky to have the support of my friends and family in this. I wouldn't be here without their influence in my life, and I just hope to do right by them and give everything I have to be the best I can.

Not to sound too preachy, but life is something worth experiencing to the highest degree. Things can change so quickly, and to have the world dropped on its head right next to you is humbling to say the least. The sooner we realize and appreciate life for what it is worth, the better our shared experiences will be. I know I've been blessed to be where I am; thank you for everything.

Here's to a quick week, good friends, and another shitty Monday.

Life is Strange (pt1)

I started to play Life is Strange this weekend, and I must say that it's really made me think about how freakin' weird life can be. The game deals a lot with happiness, decisions, and the relationships we build with those around us. It also has a superb soundtrack that really speaks to the core game design; every decision you make can be undone, because the main character can control time.

Imagine having a conversation with someone, and then having the ability to rewind it and change a few words that forks into an entirely different conversation in itself. This power has great weight in the game, and it is an extremely interesting dynamic; dose the player chose to accuse a security guard of harassment or point the finger at a fellow classmate that is slinging drugs on the side? The decision doesn't really matter at the present moment, because regardless of how you chose to play it, your decision can be undone and the other option can be explored.

During my time playing the game, I've wondered how this dynamic could apply to my life. Has every decision I've made been the right one? Of course, the answer is no. If I could rewind time and speak out in times where I wanted noting more than to not be noticed, or stay quiet when I should have, I feel like I could really avoid having to pull my foot out of my yap.

But does having a rewind button take away what it means to be human? As I wrote this, I realized that undoing all the mistake or wrongs you have committed would change your perception of life; you would never truly learn from your mistakes in a permanent and meaningful way. I would constantly be undoing the smallest mistakes and always come out on the bright side of situations. Winning all the time doesn't make a team better. Losing can tell you more about yourself than anything else ever could.

If I could change anything in my life, I wouldn't. However, if I could go back to the beginning and do it all over again, would I play it out the same? I think the answer to that could only be realized if I were to literally start life in the cradle again; I honestly don't know. I don't know if I would decide to go to a pseudo-military school where I often daydream about hiking the AT and/or riding a motorcycle across Canada, exploring life though experiences and not buried in a textbook doing physics until my fingers bleed.

The choices I have made are mine, and I own up to them. I took control of my life and am doing what I am doing because I think this is what I want to do, but (as I have said before) I would be lying to say that I've never wanted to cash in all this hard work and explore other options. Maybe I would find a meaning to life larger than a dollar, but at this point I am doing the 'most very clean cut, well educated, and typical' thing a nineteen year old can do; working my ass off in school and giving (hopefully) setting myself up for a great future.

Life is strange, and the decisions we make constantly alter the roads we travel down. Having the ability to go back between each decision won't make us better people, but just give us too much control in our lives, and will often cause more problems than we anticipated. The best course through life is the one that we are on, and it can only get better if we make educated decisions and live with as few regrets as possible. i only ope to take my own advice, and to continue on the path that I am on. It's not a lot of fun right now, but who is to say that I can't do the AT or ride my newly purchased Triumph T-100 (or do i really need such a nice bike?)  in matte black from Antigonish to Prince Rupert (or the other way around?) when I am twenty-four/five/six-ish. Only time will tell.

In closing, I would like to share one of my favorite songs that has popped up in the game. I'm only in the second episode (of five), so I hope to find more as I go. Anyway, the link is below and I really suggest you give it a listen as you ask yourself if every decision you have made has been a good one, and if you change any of the thing you have done if given the power to.

Here's to another shitty Monday, and hopefully a good weekend.

What will it be?

Salt spray to the face
sodium taste too sweet
as I stand on the bow

Watching.

What lies ahead?
What am I to do?
What does freedom fee like?

What will it be?

A sail set out into the blue
asking for direction
and hoping for a better wind
to blow us to shore.

Happenstance

Do you ever wonder what is on the other side of the moon?
Maybe a bunch of Martians are camping
out there, roasting a weenie
or picking at the latest fashion trends

Do you ever wonder why Buff Chick is so damn
tasty...
Yet it leaves that residue in your mouth
that makes milk taste funny-
its just a little bit off
and you can't put your finger on it

Speaking of that:
What's the deal with Jupiter
and how far away she is
with her bright smile and warm
demeanor. Yet you see the planet
briefly here and there
when you tune into the same channel.

Happenstance.

And my telescope is fogging up;
sea smoke and foreign seas dead ahead
yet it leaves you to wonder
what it means to be (or not) presently
understood

Credentials?
I'll sign anywhere to prove I believe in something!
I'll look anywhere to prove I see something!
Please, Listen to the radio
and hear the silhouettes as they run into the pictures

*High Five*
*Fist Bump*
*Hug*
*awkwardsmilesthatfeeljustright*

But does anyone really know or give a damn?
The philosopher would say: Why should they?
and I guess she is right.

She usually is,
or at least that is what I think(?)

To the Week of February the Seventh: You Suck

You ever have one of those, hmmm, how should I put it?

Shitty Days? (x7)

It was so remarkable, that I decided to mark it on the calendar.

Yeah... I had seven of those last week, but I managed to get through it with only one 66 and a severely damaged (but redeemable) GPA. Indeed, physics is a bear., a mutated bear with four mouths and love for all things involving the hunt and deducting points from the unattainable and wholesome twenty-four. On second thought physics sucks, and it is a disproportionately hard class (that many don't need and will not use upon graduation) that we poor suckers pay God-knows-how-much to ruin our fair academic standing. 

Phew, think I got it all there.

Anyway, this week has presented many challenges that I had to overcome, and I did it. It's a good feeling coming out on the other side of a shitty week, because one knows that something better may lie ahead. Unfortunately,this is not a guaranteed fact, but it's close enough to a reality that one clinging to the thoughts of something better will will do just about anything to keep it alive; I hear we will be having buff-chick on Monday at high noon. Yes, the thought of some tasty grub is the only thing that I have to look forward to on Monday. =)

It's not all bad though. I look forward to potentially going up to a neighboring college and spending next weekend with my great pals. The respite is much needed, and I often wonder what it would be like to go to a normal university. I realize that my school is by definition a institution of higher learning, but this is not your frat-boy cousin's school. This is a place that literally crushes you the first couple weeks here, molds you into a student that puts the learned work ethic to the test, and applies every bit of physical and mental stamina to ultimately graduate as a successful member of the workforce. 

Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

Yes, these traits will help me later in life and will make me stand out from the crowd. However, I can't say I've never said "what if?" and daydream of the typical college Friday/Saturday night of wassailing deep into the night. Would it make me happier, or would I major in house parties?Honestly, I don't know what would happen, because I would be going to the schools for all the wrong reasons. I came to this school because I think I know what I want to do with my life. Believe you me, the decision was not easy; like nearly every other high school senior, I was unsure of what I wanted from life.

Frankly, I still am, but I am prepared to find out what that means by experiencing a world that lies in uncertainty, storms, and a shitload of multiple choice tests. The whole thing sound sort of romantic (I got calc homework for Valentine's day); at my core, the allure of adventure and the chance to see the world was a opportunity I couldn't pass up, regardless of the initial cost of the typical college experience. I lose this notion sometimes, but it always seems to come back to me when I complete these shitty days. It will be worth it, and I will graduate from this place in four damn years, even if it makes me go bald.

This all kind of came together this Friday, when I was snooping around on Spotify. I love this music app more than any other, and I constantly have it up on my computer. This time, I decided to tune into the Discover Weekly playlist, a personalized list of thirty songs that I may or may not like. Usually, I like most if not all of the songs (you go Spotify robot with kick-ass music taste), and I came across Shit Present's Anxious Type. This song just spoke to me for some reason; maybe it was the title's accuracy in the description of my week (specifically the Monday that never ends) or the sweet punk quality that liberates even the most homework laden student with thoughts of motorcycle riding rebellion. For what it's worth, its a good song worth a listen. Maybe it will inspire you to take a breath and relax for a minute?

They rip. She's got a heck of a voice. Together, they make a fun in-you-face jam that blends perfectly in a musical harmony that compels one to feel happy in spite of the close-to-home lyrics; its says "lets dance even though we've still got a lot on our plate and time is running out." 

Here's to a good week, and everything (will be) is just fine. 

AF