I've certainly come a long way since my last post here. I was so sad, lonely, mad at the world for something that happened to me. I felt like it was all my fault, that I was lied to and brushed aside for something opposite. I'll probably never know the whole truth or the why behind what happened, but the conclusion that I come to is that shit just happens sometimes.
Life just isn't as simple as consistently doing the right thing and expecting good outcomes. Sometimes you just get thrown a curveball, swing, miss (horribly), and almost get in a fight with the umpire. Working like a mule isn't a bad approach to life, but things just aren't as cut and dry as we'd all like them to be.
Oh, big news. I passed my exams and am looking for work. I knew I would eventually, but I wasn't completely sure that I would go 7 for 7. Between the government shutdown during early January (I spent most of it alone and studying at school for 8 hours a day) and the consistent studying throughout the second semester, I was prepared and accomplished the goal that I had set out since the beginning of my time here. Talk about getting a monkey off your back. I'm about to start on what will probably be the most freedom I've ever had. Finding work and having the ability to travel, to see the world unrestricted, has been something that I've always wanted and its finally going to happen.
Anywho, I'm not mad at the world anymore. There wasn't a profound moment of forgiveness or a sudden moment of clarity, but rather a long and slow build up to moving on to better days. Don't get me wrong, you can still shoot a cannonball right through me and make me topple like an end to an intense Jenga game, but at least now I've come to the realization that there is no place for you in the next stage of my life. Morality is a weird thing - we don't all play by the same rules.
Trust me, I didn't come to this conclusion on my own. I've got better friends than I deserve; acquaintances took me under their wing and shared pearls of wisdom from their experiences, giving me both books and recommendations to lead a better existence. I've never thought so much about meaning - maybe I did put too many eggs in one basket and got drunk on the idea of a future that wasn't meant to be. Finding meaning with someone else was probably the happiest I have ever been, but it was false happiness that was finite; I was naive and idealistic, hungry for something worthwhile to lose.
Yeah, my conscience may still echo your name, but I know that our paths will more than likely not cross again. I don't (and didn't) deserve to be treated the way that I was, and I will never do that to someone. I'd be an idiot to ever let my guard down around you again; I have my confidence back. I like who I am and who I am becoming, although there will surely be more ups and downs to come. I have a much better understanding of who I am because of this whole year.
I mean, we are all looking for purpose in our otherwise meaningless lives, and finding direction give us something to work towards at least. This meaning will and should change as time goes on, but maybe things are better because of it. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, but yeah. I guess we are all up against it sometimes and looking for the quiet morning-moments and the feeling of knowing everything is going to be alright as the sun pops up over the mountains on that lake. Blam, isn't that a pretty picture?
That pretty much rounds out this post. Having a little bit of faith can go a long way and I'm fortunate to have the experiences that I have. Maybe this whole ordeal was exactly what I needed, a kickstart to growth so to speak. If it was, it was one hell of a kick to the balls but it made me one tough sum'bitch in the process (cuz that's how it works, right?).
Things always get better
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